"Have no fear of perfection — you'll never reach it." — Salvador Dali
As we use social media to try to solve our heart's need for approval, identity, meaning, purpose, and significance, it causes all kinds of side effects that damage our hearts and diminish our lives. One of these side effects is perfectionism, the need to appear perfect on social media.
We live in a culture obsessed with perfection. We all want to be without errors, flaws, or imperfections so that we’ll feel perfectly whole and complete. And so we approach social media believing that if we can project and promote an image of perfection, then we’ll receive the attention and acceptance we crave.
But while social media perfectionism appears like a path to happiness, it’s a sweet-tasting poison; what feels good at first causes all kinds of disastrous problems.
what is perfectionism?
So what is perfectionism? Perfectionism is an excessive desire to become perfect in everything you do. It’s a self-imposed striving to be perfect which causes us to think that anything short of perfection is bad. Perfectionists believe that if they work hard enough, then they can become perfect, without fault or flaw. And so perfectionists get to work, trying to create a perfect life.
As we pursue perfection in day-to-day life, we see that perfectionism requires three different components:
First, you develop an internal standard of perfection: As you observe your culture, you develop an idea of what’s perfect. You internalize society’s ideals about a “perfect” life until they also become your expectations.
Second, you find yourself expecting to be publicly judged: Perfectionism always includes an expectation of being judged publicly by others. This is why people struggle with perfectionism at weddings, events, and on social media, but not when they’re singing along to the radio in their car.
Third, you preemptively judge yourself: When you know that you’re going to be judged by others, perfectionism causes you preemptively judge yourself. We anticipate other people’s judgment and wonder, “Do I meet their expectations?”
Deep down, all of us want to meet our culture’s definition of perfection and be seen by others as perfect. Our culture’s standards hover over us, and we all instinctively know what perfection looks like, whether that’s a perfect wedding, apartment, or vacation. In every public situation, we always think about what perfection looks like, what other people think about us, and whether we measure up.
And so as we strive to be perfect in our public presentation, we have an ongoing internal conversation about how we feel we ought to meet other people’s expectations. We’re always preemptively judging ourselves based on the expectations of key people in our lives, hopeful that we’ll meet the standard of what’s acceptable.
An example of this is getting ready for a date. As you think about wearing the perfect outfit, you view yourself from yourself date’s perspective and play out what kind of judgment you think they’ll give you. You hope that if you can create the perfect impression they’ll like you and want to go out again.
In this way, perfectionism revolves around this internal conversation of who we feel we ought to be; we’re always wondering whether we meet our own and other people’s standards. This causes us to strive to be perfect in our self-presentation, showing others that we have no major flaws or shortcomings.
While perfectionism has always existed, the rise of social media has served as a greenhouse for our perfectionistic tendencies. Why? Because it has:
Raised our internal definition of perfection: In the past, your standard of perfection for your birthday party, living room, or clothes was only influenced by your immediate community. Now, you see social media elites all over the world as your peers, which raises the bar of what’s considered “perfect.”
Made our lives about images and videos, which are easier to perfect: While in real life you only get one chance to meet our culture’s expectations, life on social media is staged, which means you can rehearse and polish your self-presentation until it’s exactly how you want it.
Introduced the possibility of judgment into every part of life: social media lurks over every part of our lives, which means that the opportunities to be publicly judged have skyrocketed. Now, we always have to be ready for the possibility of being judged by friends, acquaintances, and strangers on the internet.
This all creates an environment where we are constantly self-monitoring and managing the impression that we’re making on others. And so we work hard to make our external image perfect, as captured through the lens of a camera and shared on social media. So how does this increase in perfectionism actually show up on social media?
how does perfectionism impact social media?
As social media has become our culture’s “public square,” it’s the main place where young people seek to be perfect. This has caused social media to become like a figure skating competition; we practice our routines in private, hoping we can nail a perfect performance and share it with the judges. We know that the judges have high standards, so we do everything we can to give a perfect performance.
After we share our performance, we then anxiously wait as the judges tally their marks, hoping that their feedback will affirm our desire for a perfect performance. We receive the judges’ scores in the form of likes, comments, and views, resulting in either a sense of joyful exuberance or crushing failure.
This reality causes everyone to use social media to post their highlight reel, where their life appears perfect. And so every time you scroll on your phone you’re bombarded with posts showing perfect vacations, perfect meals, perfect weddings, perfect homes, and perfect families.
As we see how perfect our peers appear, we feel pressure to make our own lives measure up. This turns us into perfectionistic PR agents, where we promote an image through social media where we’re happy, good-looking, and successful. To do this, we:
Freely share where we think we’re perfect.
Carefully hide where we think we’re imperfect.
Social media divorces our self-presentation from the reality of time, allowing everyone to only post when they feel like they're approaching their internal standard of perfection. While no one forces you to use social media this way, our desire to appear perfect pushes us to selectively share our lives like this, burying the imperfect part of our lives far from public view.
Once we’ve decided what to share, social media gives us the ability to edit, adjust, and polish every part of our public performance. We do this by:
Taking loads of photos to ensure we get one perfect image.
Filtering and photoshopping our photos to make them appear more perfect.
Obsessing over every detail, like lighting, framing, and background.
Spending hundreds and thousands of dollars on professional photography.
Practicing our video, routine, or pose over and over to get better photos.
Hiding negative feelings and pushing a dishonest positivity.
Through these techniques, we strive to make every post, caption, and video perfect on social media, all in hopes of meeting our culture’s expectations. We are constantly scanning our pictures for flaws and pre-judging them against our standards, in hopes that we can create an image as close to perfection as we can get.
We use this system to manufacture an illusion of perfection for social media, trying to show others that we have the perfect look, perfect look, friend group, job, family, house, and life. We use social media to paint a picture of perfection by showing other people who we'd like to be, not who we actually are.
Why is a perfect image on social media so desirable? Because we all believe that a perfect image equals a perfect life, assuming that if 1% of your life appears perfect, the other 99% must be as well. This is why many young people are so protective of how they appear on social media. They know that everyone will use that image to disproportionately judge the rest of their lives, either for good or bad.
Our desire to appear perfect on social media takes so much time out of our lives, and many people spend hours each week putting together reels, pictures, and stories that’ll meet their expectations of perfection. People do "Instagram vs. Reality" posts to try to share the imperfections of their lives, but even “reality” is a posed imperfection that’s carefully selected for others to see.
Since the algorithm rewards content that more people interact with, the “perfect” content is what rises to the top, making it seem like most social media is perfect. Now, perfection feels required to get any likes. And so we feel the pressure to pretend that we’re perfect, as if we meet our culture’s standard for a good life in every way.
This all creates a spiral of perfection: the more perfect we think others are, the more perfect we feel like we need to be ourselves. And with better cameras, better photo editing tools, and the ability for influencers to devote their lives to being perfect online, the expectations of what it means to be perfect have skyrocketed.
This does two things to us: we either strive harder and harder to meet our own and our culture's ideals of perfection, or we post less and less, cognizant that we don't provide what our peers want. We don't look the right way or have the right vibe.
After a while, promoting a perfect self and hiding our real self on social media gets exhausting, and all but the most committed users post less and less. In the face of the external perfection of others, we feel inadequate and unworthy, so we share less of our lives and consume more from specialized content creators who are better at appearing perfect.
This is why you can still struggle with perfectionism on social media even if you never post. Since perfectionism causes people to need to feel perfect before they post, many people who don’t post are afraid that they’re imperfect and don’t want to find out for sure.
And so as we use social media, we hope that by sharing where we’re perfect and hiding where we’re not, we’ll be able to meet all of our internalized expectations for life and be recognized as perfect by our peers.
why do we work so hard to be perfect?
So why do we strive so hard to be perfect on social media? While many perfectionists view their perfectionism as a virtue, believing it shows a commitment to excellence or high standards, deep down, perfectionism is about trying to prove that you deserve to be loved. We think that if we can appear perfect then we can ensure that we receive acceptance and approval.
Henry Cloud says that people who struggle with perfectionism "begin with a simple belief that they don't matter, but if they just achieve at a certain level, they will matter. Being perfect will either compensate for these defects or fool others into thinking they don't have them."
We use perfectionism as a facade, desperate to cover our imperfections, hoping that we can use the pursuit of perfection to solve our feelings of shame, self-hatred, and worthlessness. This is why Brene Brown calls perfectionism "the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”
This causes us to make a deal with social media. We believe that:
If I'm perfect, then I deserve to be accepted.
If I'm imperfect, then I'll be rejected.
At its core, social media perfectionism is built around the idea of conditional love. We think that if we can put together the perfect post, then other people will have to give us love and approval. David Brooks explains how this mindset works:
The hyper-individualist finds himself enmeshed in a network of conditional love. I am worthy of being loved only when I have achieved the status or success the world expects of me. I am worthy of love only when I can offer the other person something in return.
And so we pursue perfectionism on social media as a way to gain control over our lives, and over what other people say about us. We think that by being perfect, we can deserve other people’s love. We know that the judges don’t cut any slack for the performers, so we use the pursuit of perfection to force them to give us the positive feedback we use to fabricate our self-worth.
In this way, perfectionism becomes armor for our fearful hearts. We’re all afraid of rejection, so we pursue perfection as a way to take away the risk of putting ourselves out there on social media. We think that if our self-presentation is perfect, then we’ll be guaranteed to get approval and applause.
While perfectionism masquerades as a desire for perfection, in reality, it flows out of an inability to handle our imperfections. We all know that in reality, we’re imperfect, filled with flaws, failures, and weaknesses. And so we’re deeply afraid that if people ever see the real us, that we’ll be rejected and feel unlovable.
And so perfectionism on social media is our way of coping with our fear of rejection and desire for approval. We hope that by meeting our culture’s standard of perfection we’ll drown out our inner shame and self-loathing caused by our imperfections and merit the love that we crave.
what's the problem with perfectionism?
While perfectionism on social media promises to give us a way to earn praise and secure our self-worth, it ends up poisoning us, making it impossible to have a healthy relationship with social media. Perfectionism promises to give us a way to control other people and make them love us, but in reality, it only imprisons us in shame, self-hatred, and a constant sense of never being enough.
Why is this the case? Because no matter how hard you try to be perfect on social media, you have real imperfections and won’t be able to keep up the illusion of perfection for long. And like pizza dough that’s stretched too thin, you’ll get thinner and thinner until you break, revealing things you were hoping to hide.
This means that you’ll always fail in your attempts to use perfectionism to merit love. As David Brooks says, trying to earn other people’s love “doesn’t make people self-sufficient and secure. It obliterates emotional and spiritual security by making everything conditional. It makes people extremely sensitive to the judgments of others and quick to take offense when they feel slighted.”
As we fail at our impossible goal of being perfect, this leads to all kinds of destructive side effects, including:
The inability to handle imperfections: Perfectionists are so obsessed with perfection that they can’t enjoy reality, which always has imperfections. To the perfectionist, even one flaw equals total failure, which causes them to melt down over the smallest things.
Constant anxiety: when you’re self-worth rests on the perfection of your performance, you’ll struggle with anxiety around your social media posts. You’ll ride the highs and lows of the performance roller coaster, causing you to feel relieved when your posts do well and devastated when they don’t.
Never feeling good enough: no matter how perfect a perfectionist becomes, they’ll always be able to find a flaw in who they are or what they post. You will always see flaws in who you are or what you post, and be filled with self-scrutiny and self-criticism, causing you to never be satisfied.
Missing out on joy: Trying to be perfect on social media will suck the joy out of life. You’ll become some robotic caricature of yourself, obsessed with every detail. Perfectionists no longer enjoy their weddings, vacations, and lives, since they’re so obsessed with how they appear to other people.
Becoming hyper-sensitive to criticism: Because your worth is based on your image, any critique that the perfectionist gets will cause them to either burn with wrath or melt down under a sense of failure.
Never living your life: The pressure for everything to be perfect causes perfectionists to avoid so much in life. They won’t want to do anything that they can’t do perfectly, which causes them never try new things or even risk the chance of failure. They end up paralyzed, procrastinating on anything that they could be judged on.
Becoming self-righteous: When a perfectionist does hit their standard, it causes them to become a self-righteous judge and critic of everything else. They point out other people’s imperfections, reminding them that they don’t measure up and don’t deserve their appreciation or approval. This destroys relationships.
Perfectionists think that their pursuit of perfection on social media will earn them the love that they crave. In reality, though, it destroys their life and causes them to live in constant fear of not measuring up.
Perfectionists often act proud and confident, but deep down, they struggle with so much pain, fear, and self-hatred. Even if you can maintain a perfect facade on social media, it’s just your projection receiving the applause, not your real self. It never translates into the feeling of truly being loved or appreciated for who they truly are.
And so perfectionists become increasingly isolated in a prison of their own making, chained to the unrealistic expectation of perfection. Social media becomes a place of judgment and fear for the perfectionist, rather than love and connection. Surrounded by conditional love, we don’t feel safe, secure, or loved, which is why social media is such a toxic and negative place for so many young people.
what is the root problem of our heart?
So what’s the root problem behind our perfectionism? The reason we struggle with perfectionism is because every human being is caught in a tension: we were made by God to be perfect, but because of sin we’re not. As Amy Baker writes:
“From the very beginning, God’s purpose has been that men and women would reflect his image, that they would radiate the glory of a perfect God, their Creator and Friend. Sadly, sin has turned what was once a glorious mission into a source of tension.
When God created Adam and Eve they lived in a perfect place with perfect harmony with a perfect God. But after they disobeyed God, they introduced the curse of sin to humanity, which causes imperfections in every part of life. And since imperfect people can’t be in the presence of a perfect God, Adam and Eve lost their relationship with God and were thrown out of the Garden of Eden.
Ever since this moment, humans have lived with a deep tension: we were created by God to be perfect, but because of sin, we’ve corrupted ourselves and are filled with imperfections. We weren’t made to be imperfect, so we'll do anything to deflect, dismiss, or rationalize away anything that threatens our illusion of being perfect.
Now, we’re caught in the tension between our hatred of our imperfections and our need to replace the love that we need to receive to flourish. But we can’t imagine being loved if other people saw our imperfections, so we strive to hide them from others.
The problem isn’t wanting to be perfect, though, but rather wanting to be perfect apart from God. Having rejected God, we’re all looking for a way to solve our imperfections and save ourselves without His help.
And so social media perfectionism becomes our religion of works righteousness. Human beings have always sought a set of rules to obey to prove to themselves and others that they are acceptable. A set of rules to which we can say, “If I do this, I’ll live.”
We all inherently know that we’re supposed to be perfect like God, but we know we can’t live up to His law, so we scale it down to something more manageable. Social media’s rules of perfection become our laws, the things we seek to obey to justify ourselves and merit other people’s love. Amy Baker says that “sin has caused us to come up with our own definition of perfection, a man-centered definition that often focuses on performance and outcomes that glorify us, not our creator.”
We use social media perfectionism to redefine God’s law and show that we meet our internal standards, glorying in the conditional approval that we get from other people. We hope that if we can receive enough love on social media we’ll be able to drown out our imperfections and convince ourselves that we’re okay.
But no matter how hard you try, this doesn’t work. None of us can live up to our law, and fail at being perfect on social media, much less in real life. Perfectionism presents itself as a promise (do this and live!) but ends up being its own god, crushing us under its pressure to be perfect. As Henry Cloud says,
“Perfectionists worship the god of perfection rather than the perfect God. Your god offers itself as a savior from things you want to avoid—anxiety, depression, being seen as inferior by others. Your god makes promises that appeal to your pride—the admiration of others, prominence in your social circles, and respect.”
But the god of perfectionism can’t deliver on its promises. It doesn’t solve our self-loathing and makes it so we can never feel secure. Satan, as the great accuser, reminds you of your imperfections and convinces you that you’re too broken and flawed to be loved. As Brennan Manning writes,
“We’ve bought into the lie that we are worthy of God’s love only when our lives are going well. But when life begins to fall through the cracks and things become less-than-perfect, we scramble to present a good front to the world—and to God.”
No matter how hard we work to try to be perfect, we can’t hide our imperfections or deal with the shame that we feel over our sin. So is there any hope for us? Is there any way we can solve our problem of imperfection and secure the love that we so desperately need?
how does the gospel solve our struggle with perfectionism?
So how can we solve the problem of perfectionism? The only answer to our struggle with imperfection is through the gospel of God’s grace. We have to stop trying to achieve our own sense of perfection, and instead receive’s Jesus’ perfection. The gospel is the only thing that allows you to admit that you can’t live up to your standard, much less God’s standards, and still receive love.
How is this possible? Because unlike with works righteousness, the gospel is not about how you can meet your standard, but how God sent Jesus Christ to meet God’s perfect standard. By coming to live the perfect life and dying on the cross, Jesus took the punishment that our imperfections deserved and gave us his perfection. Amy Baker writes that "Christ takes our imperfect record—our record of imperfection and shame—and substitutes his own record—a record of perfection."
This is why the Bible is always talking about Jesus as a sacrificial lamb for God’s people. When Jesus showed up, John the Baptist announced, “Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world.” Then, after Jesus’ death and resurrection, Peter says, “You were redeemed with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.” Jesus was our perfect atonement, sacrificing Himself to cover us with His blood and redeem us from our sins.
So how do you receive Jesus’ perfection? By repenting of your efforts to be perfect and instead resting in the perfection that Jesus provides. When you do this, God sees you as perfect and you no longer have to measure yourself against your standards. You are now accepted by God because Jesus met the standards you couldn’t.
Now, you no longer have to judge, criticize, or condemn yourself. Jesus has taken our judgment and given us His perfection. This is why Paul says, “There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”
Now, through the gospel, God’s grace meets us where we are, not where we should be. Jesus can come and say to us:
“Let’s be honest, I know you’re imperfect. I know everything you’ve ever done and ever thought, so you can’t fool me. But because of my love for you, I lived the perfect life that you couldn’t and met the standard you’re failing to live up to. Now, when you trust in me, you’re no longer defined by your imperfections, but rather by my perfection.”
This is what makes Jesus so different. Jesus is perfect, but He isn’t a perfectionist. He sees all of our flaws and imperfections but refuses to shame or punish us for them. Instead, Jesus does the opposite: He extends His perfect record to us so that we can finally receive the unconditional love that we’re so hungry for.
The gospel assures us that we’re loved by God, not because of what we’ve done for Him, but just because of what He’s done for us. This is the kind of love that heals your heart of its perfectionism and transforms you from the inside out. As Tim Keller said, “To be loved but not known is superficial. To be known and not loved is our great fear—but to be known and loved, that transforms you.”
Now, our imperfections are not evidence that we are unlovable, but rather the place where God’s love meets us. You no longer have to hate who you are but can embrace your imperfections, since they are the place in your life where you receive God’s love. As Brennan Manning wrote:
“Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial of the gospel of grace.”
On top of this, you can now rest in Jesus and get rid of the pressure, fear, and anxiety of perfectionism. This is why Jesus tells every struggling perfectionist:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
When you rest in the gospel, you know that you are loved just as you are. Simply put, because Jesus was perfect, you no longer have to be. Your self-worth isn’t based on getting other people to think you’re perfect, but rather in God’s gracious love for you.
what does gospel-saturated social media look like?
When you let the gospel of God’s grace heal your heart of perfectionism, it’ll transform your life. Gospel-saturated social media eliminates your need to pretend on social media and obsess over how people perceive you. Brennan Manning writes that people who have been changed by God:
“Aren’t trying to look good or impress anybody, even themselves. They are not plotting how they can call attention to themselves, worrying about how their actions will be interpreted or wondering if they will get gold stars for their behavior.”
In gospel-centered social media, our goal is no longer the impossible notion of avoiding all imperfections but becomes about honoring God by pursuing goodness and excellence. We stop trying to be perfect, since only God can be that, and start pursuing excellence.
The gospel sets us free to steward the gifts and the life God has given to us, with perfection as a goal rather than a demand. We can work towards excellence, but since perfection is no longer the bar we have to meet, we can show compassion, kindness, and patience towards ourselves as we walk through the reality of our imperfect lives.
Because the gospel gives you a self-worth that isn’t based on your meeting some cultural standards of perfection, you can share your real self, instead of hiding behind some social media illusion. You can:
Stop pretending and be your real self on social media, imperfections and all.
Try new things and take creative chances, even if you come up short the first time.
Focus on improvement, not perfection, as you work towards excellence.
Post for God’s glory and not to satisfy cultural standards.
Keep in mind, though, that social media shouldn’t be a confession booth where you overshare your imperfections. We need to work through our deeper imperfections in the context of real relationships, not online platforms. Whenever I’m tempted to overshare, that’s a wake-up call for me to reinvest in my real-life friendships, the best place to experience God’s love through other people.
When we realize that we are secure in God’s love despite our imperfections, we can extend the same grace to other people when their imperfections show up. Our cultural standards can become a guide towards excellence, rather than a bar that everyone has to jump over to prove that have worth and deserve love.
As the gospel grounds you in God’s love, you will be able to show your real life on social media, with all it’s ordinary and imperfect moments, releasing you from the pressure of appearing perfect.
Fantastic article, Luke. I love you developed this so practically (the lists alone are gold!), and brought us right into the gospel. I have saved this to share with people I'm counseling. One thing I would add toward the end is pointers to the Inside of the Gospel - in addition to getting Jesus' record of perfection we also get to share in his being/nature, as a new creation in Him (on the spirit side of our being). I believe the deepest innerworkings of the gospel take place in us through a black and white changing of our being, rather than just legal pronouncements. So we actually get to be righteous and perfect already! That reality is just not yet fully revealed in the world of seen things till Christ himself is revealed. So glad I found you on Substack. I always look forward to your articles in my inbox. - Ethan